Sunday, 29 September 2013

Final Year Project : Script Draft 04.


  1. I like the change in seasons and the idea of the son being bothered to take his mother to the beach and going back after she passes.
    Just seems like its missing something.
    What about at the end, instead of him looking over and seeing his mom, he looks over and see the urn....
    Idk. Great job... We can throw back some idea later if you want to.

  2. I don't know who 'Anonymous' is - but the urn idea made me laugh out loud; I wonder if you can do both? I.e. that the camera reveals the urn, which he takes when he gets up - and we still see the 'In Memory' plaque. They don't seem to steal each other's thunder - the urn promotes a big laugh, the plaque something more reflective, and more affectionate.

    In terms of the hair addition - I like it, but it does seem too extreme now. The idea of this man being protective of his perfect comb-over, and the wind mucking it up is lovely and nicely observed. I think it could be more subtle - as simple as when we first see them together in the car, his comb over is neat; then, she smokes, car fills with smoke, she opens the window, we hear the roar of the wind, and when the smoke clears, we see him with his hair in total disarray. Somehow this more ordinary joke speaks more effectively (for me at least) about his age, his dignity and his long-sufferingness; he's not a figure of fun or 'cartoon' - he's just ordinary and getting on with things. You no doubt are aware of this very famous commercial from a while back: this is a comb-over gag!

  3. Hi Nat.

    For my money, I'm not sure about the memory plaque...It seems a little obvious / heavy handed to me. If you give the Mother something throughout the short that become her 'symbol' you can have the son leave it behind at the end - The symbol becomes a metaphorical plaque. Say for example she always has a windmill on her wheelchair, you can have that plcaed in the sand at the end and left behind.

  4. oh no! the tutors disagree and have to draw their duelling pistols! For me, a memory plaque isn't obvious - it's literal. It's an actual literal thing that people put plaques on benches on sea fronts to remember loved ones who sat on the benches. I don't think the plaque needs to be substituted for something else, because I think the plaque is a plaque because the action takes place on a bench - which have plaques, particularly on blustery UK sea fronts!

    also, Nat - see link: